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THE TRUTH ABOUT CLOWNS...

There's a pulp magazine that comes out of Portland, Oregon called CrapHound. The following essay was written by its editor, Sean Tejaratchi. It is posted here in the hopes that someday others will find out THE TRUTH ABOUT CLOWNS...

I discovered it while reading Brewer's Dictionary of Phrase and Fable. It opened my eyes to the evil secret that lurks behind the powdered face of clowning. Children already know it, and I should have realized it a long time ago.

"THE CLOWN OF CIRCUS AND PANTOMIME, IN HIS BAGGY COSTUME, WHITENED FACE, GROTESQUE RED LIPS, AND ODD LITTLE TUFT OF HAIR, IS PROBABLY A RELIC OF THE DEVIL AS HE APPEARED IN MEDIEVAL MIRACLE PLAYS."

The big discovery: the clown and the devil are archetypes. It's too perfect to have been a coincidence. From tarot cards all the way up to Batman and the Joker, they're taking up space in our minds whether we want them there or not.

In all fairness, I should admit I've always hated clowns. You probably hate clowns too. Everyone with a brain bigger than a walnut hates clowns. I think people really used to like them, but they've died off over the years, like those who witnessed the Civil War. The last living clown enthusiast died last year, leaving the clowns themselves as their own biggest fans. No doubt they've been waiting for this. Now they can perpetuate the myth of their own popularity without interference.

The popularity of clowns seems to operate like an urban legend. "Everybody loves a Clown?" Bullshit. Total clown propaganda. Where are all these people? It's always someone else's grandmother, or their ex-girlfriend's cousin's former roomate who loves them. During six months of research, not a single person expressed to me a positive opinion of clowns. Children, the clown's so-called "best friends," hate and fear them with an unrivaled passion. Someone should tell these fuckers that a deathly white mask and exaggerated, blood-red features are not the express route to a child's heart.

God forbid you suggest any of this to a clown. Clowns, you should realize, don't take kindly to any sort of criticism. I've been looking through issues of Calliope and Clowning Around, two of the trade journals of your savvy professional clown. The issues I had came out about two years after the release of the Bob Goldthwait film Shakes the Clown, and the publishers were still complaining bitterly. They recount the scenes, savoring every detail as a separate insult. Clowns see themselves as joyful embodiments of mirth and innocence, and anyone who says differently is a smart-alec son of a bitch intent on shitting all over the tradition of goodwill and laughter clowns have worked so hard to maintain bitch bitch bitch clown bashing bitch bitch bitch anti-clown agenda... that's another thing - they whine alot.

Elsewhere, in the clown advice columns ("Dear Aunt Clowny"), the debate rages over when it's finally okay to cozy up to a good, stiff drink. Can a clown be in costume when he hits the sauce? How about when he's performing at a bar? Moral dilemmas like these get a lot of space. Will insurance cover me in the event some kid chokes on my flaccid balloon animal? It confirmed alot of my childhood fears to hear clowns policing themselves.

While laughter has always been central to clowning, it's important to remember that brutality and death have always been right there alongside it. Clowns have been tidied up like fairy tales, the blood scrubbed away and a happy face glued crookedly on. Themes of decapitation, dismemberment, and random violence were extremely common, and still are just below the surface. A famous skit features a clown barbershop, into which a terrified clown customer is dragged and held down as several huge, nicked straight razors are produced. And what child doesn't scream with delight when an argument between two clowns rapidly escalates into a full fledged riot once the clown cop and his friendly nightstick arrive? Even the traditional Punch and Judy show revolves around beatings and murder, including a wacky infanticide.

Clowns are quick to justify their existence with tales of countless visits to swollen children in countless hospitals all over the country. Even Ronald McDonald, very probably the most evil clown in history, operates a children's hospice. Well, it figures. I'm sure being terminally ill might take the edge off an encounter with a clown. If I were facing a horrible wasting death every day, I might even be able to look a clown in the face and smile. Anyway, it's not as if these kids are going to leap up and run away. They're a captive audience, for Christ's sake. In fact, I'd like to submit the theory that the entire Shriner Hospital Organization exists to furnish clowns with an audience of sick and dying kids.

Speaking of Shriners (pay close attention), this is where it gets confusing and weird. Jack Chick, creator of those small Christian comic book tracts and noted world historian, fingers the Masons as Devil worshippers despite their lip-service to Christian ideals. The red fez, Jack claims, commemerates the slaughter of a townfull of Christians. The Masons' little toadies in the Devil's work are the Shriners, those fez-wearing community-oriented American businessmen. The Shriners, as you may recall, have built an immense circus empire, stocked with National Guard-like "Clown Units", activated in times of impending circus. To counter this admittedly demonic scheme, Christian churches have put their thinking caps on and come up with the fantastically bright idea of... that's right! Christian Clowns! Contingients of ministers, presumably unaware of the clown's wonderfully rich history and origins, done up in face paint and loose clothing, handing out red love balloons, fondling trusting children, and spreading The Word to anyone who will stop running long enough to listen. Devil worshippers pretending to be Christians disguising themselves as devils who've gradually disguised themselves as clowns so they can do evil versus Christians pretending to be devils who've gradually disguised themselves as clowns so they can do good. Thank God the conspiracy has been exposed. Good Night.

Finally, a word of caution. There seems to be a deliberate campaign to indoctrinate children into the "wholesome" world of the clown. NEVER FORGET: a clown is an adult, most likely a man, who likes nothing better than to disguise his face and shoot the breeze with preadolescent children. Clowns are not on a first name basis with reality. I've met a few clowns out of makeup, and they set off mental alarms all over the place. Maybe a member of the Kooky Klown Klub will read this and write to complain. Oh well. Clowns are fuckers and perverts and I take nothing back. Come on, clowns! Come on, you pussies!

Sean Tejaratchi

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